Wednesday, May 30, 2007

The Woman's Right.

About cats. Damn a cat.

Rachel Lucas is talking about cats, as they relate to relationships and online dating. Having been a single man this century (I was single from 1999 to 2003), I can talk with some authority on single women and cats and dating. It generally isn't a pretty story.

One of the things you notice when you start dating online is that some people feel duty bound to send you photos of their cats. Rachel sums it up fairly succintly:
Ooooookay. I beg all the cat lovers to take a deep breath and please re-read what I wrote, which was, one more time everybody together, NO PHOTOS OF YOUR CATS.
I concur.

Cats are natural predators. One veterinarian told me that a cat is probably the only animal in the world that can be living one morning in a 20 room mansion with her own butler and that afternoon be in the deepest jungle and never miss a meal. Cats are killers and they'll eat what they kill. Put a cat in the wild and she'll do just fine.

I've lived with cats and I've never really been comfortable. Oh, yeah, I may be found sitting on the couch, scratching the cats ears, but that is just one predator grooming another. Don't make anything of it. If that cat aggravated me enough, I'd... well, lets just say that I know a good recipe for enchiladas.

I've dated women who kept cats. I didn't keep any of them. Wherever you find a cat, you find a litter box. What cats do in litter boxes won't pass for roses and I don't clean litter boxes. My daughter has kept cats in the past. When the litter box got too intense, I've been known to pitch cat, litter box and all right out into the backyard.

Cats should be kept in barns and should never be fed. They make good stall toys for the horses and they keep the rats out of the grain. The only time I ever worried about the barn cat was when she was killing a snake. Barns are the natural living quarters of the common cat. If you don't have a barn, then you have no purpose for a cat.

When I started dating my second (and last) wife, eventually the topic turned to pets. We talked about dogs, then I asked her about cats. "Damn a cat", she replied.

Again, I concur.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Purfect. (ahhh..geezz, an unintended pun).
Have a horse barn, that had cats.
Had a wife who loved horses.
Wife and the horses left.
Dog chased off the cats.

He's a good dog.

She was a terrible wife.

oyster said...

"Cats should be kept in barns and should never be fed. They make good stall toys for the horses and they keep the rats out of the grain. The only time I ever worried about the barn cat was when she was killing a snake. Barns are the natural living quarters of the common cat. If you don't have a barn, then you have no purpose for a cat."

There is great, great truth to these words. But I am scared to agree with you publicly. I fear the cat-lovers' wrath.

Anonymous said...

Tell the cat lovers to hate me.

I let my dog get the feral/stray cats that come into my yard, or I get them myself.

Anonymous said...

You might not like cats, but I know they like you. Don't you remember a sweet, ladylike siamese that cuddled near you on the long sofa...Smokie? I remember my cats, Max and Mitzi-mooley, loved you. If it's the litter box that bothers you, I found a FABULOUS one at PetSmart...I'll send you one if you want it. It's really cool...a top loader so when you have small dogs, they don't snack out of the box and then lick your face. Guess what...I still think you're the coolest! I love you! :)